Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Have you ever had an epiphany, something extremely personal, but you felt the need to share and weren't sure how it would be received? I've had one of those and I want to share it with you all. I've recently been able to truly accept myself moving past what people think of me and a friend of mine told me she wished she could be more like me. It made me think about how I was able to do this and why. Pretty much every woman I know wants to change something about themselves and are pretty much incapable of accepting a compliment without saying but... So I felt the desire to share with you my story.

I'm a big girl, have always had large boobs, a large butt and thighs. I have considered myself pretty but not a hottie. I have always been extremely shy so I don't talk much, engage or go out of my shell. I am socially awkward so I've never been good at going out and making new friends. I have always been hardest on myself, expecting as close to perfection as I could get. I spent, up until 18 years old, hours in a dance studio a day. I love to dance. It is a passion of mine. It is so freeing, a place where I could always get out of my head and just lose myself in the music. When I went to college, I didn't have the best experience with people in the dance department and so I stopped dancing and I miss it horribly. I gained a lot of weight. I met my hubby and he spent months getting to know me. We both gained a lot of weight through the years but that was ok because it was together and we were secure with each other. I yo-yo'd with weight after I had my kids, lost quite a bit and then gained it back. I have always been hard on myself, feeling uncomfortable in my skin. Hating how I gave up dance, how I loved food and how this has all affected the way I look. I really hated the way I looked, even refusing to look in a mirror for the most part. I went from a size 7 to looking like this on my wedding day...

I remember crying in the dressing room of the bridal salon when no one was around because I felt completely horrible about myself, I felt disgusting and huge. I was not happy with myself at all. But then things in my life changed which caused me to change...My son was diagnosed with Autism and my husband was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes all within a month of each other.

After Bugaboo was diagnosed with Autism, I did a lot of self reflection because frankly it felt like everything I knew shifted. I had new priorities, new outlook and a new point of view. I viewed the world differently. I viewed people differently. My children and my husband have been and continue to be my number one priority in life, but the way I looked at everything else completely changed. I literally became his voice, his advocate and pushed to have my kids see the beauty of the world. Then with Hubby's diagnosis, it made us realize how short life could be. I looked at the world and saw judgement, people buried in their phones, people not even able to recognize someone else as a human being. I want my kids to see the beauty of people from the inside, to have kind hearts, to care and realize the important things. I want my children to realize that their worth as people has nothing to do with how they look. How in the hell could I do that when all I thought about were the things that I was unhappy with about myself and put my value on my appearance? So I made a change...

I recognized my value as a human being. I am, for the most part, kind hearted, understanding, giving and loving. I am smart and work hard. I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I could be. I think less about what I am going to say and just say it, which made me realize I am a lot funnier than I ever realized. I sing at the top of my lungs and dance in the car specifically in traffic (people stare all the time but I just smile and wave because frankly I am having a hell of a lot more fun than they are). I eat healthier because it is better for my health and for my husband's diagnosis but we splurge and enjoy our food without worrying about calories or intake constantly. I look at my body, realize the beauty in it and accept the things that I cannot change. I will always have a pooch from giving birth and boobs that sag from breast feeding but frankly I nourished the lives of two children with my body and that in itself is beautiful to me. My body is comforting to my children which is wonderful to me. My children and husband tell me I'm beautiful and I believe them because they see me for exactly who I am. I got rid of my harsh criticisms, if I noticed I was beating myself up about something, I quickly changed the thoughts in my head to something else or cranked up the radio to quiet my brain. I refuse to step on a scale because frankly the number doesn't matter to me. I want to be healthier for my health alone and be around for a long time for my children. I wear bright clothes with incredible patterns and don't care if I stand out. I am enjoying life and am so much happier. It is incredible and a better example for my children.  This is what today looks and feels like...

I encourage my children's joy, their imagination and their intelligence. I make sure they know I love them unconditionally. I enjoy time with my husband and laugh with him constantly. I make sure he knows that I love him. I love this life and all of my experiences in it.

I recently watched a documentary that really resonated with me and with this issue in my mind...I would recommend this movie to every woman. To see these women, hear their stories and think about my daughter's future, it touched me. It also pushed me to share. I want everyone to love themselves and do what makes them happy. Check it out and tell me what you think.

So if you stayed with me to the end, I know it was a long one, tell me something you love about yourself. What makes you happy? It is different for everyone, and I push you to find the joy in life. If anyone wants a movie night to check out this documentary let me know. Tell me something good about yourself, your day, your life. You are all incredible, I know it so if you can't see it just ask me and I will tell you! Until next time I will just keep enjoying this crazy and incredible Journey of an everyday mom...